Harry Potter Help Column
by sexy-fleur
Summary: WITCH WEEKLY readers write to Rita Skeeter for help in getting over their Harry Potter obsessions. Rita gives unruly advice on how to get over their infatuations. PG-13 for language.
1. Column 1

Disclaimer: Depressingly, I own nothing associated with Harry Potter. If I did, I would not be writing this crappy "story." I would be sailing around the world in a well-stocked cruise liner using hundred-dollar bills as toilet paper.  
  
Author's Note: This is a help column in WITCH WEEKLY called _Dear Rita Skeeter_. It is where HP-crazed people write in for Rita to help them out.   
  
**Note from Rita Skeeter**: This WITCH WEEKLY column is for you to write for help, should you need it, regarding Harry Potter and all things related. Whether you're obsessed with him, cursed by the books, or hate him, you should write me. I AM A PROFESSIONAL. I CAN HELP YOU.  
  
_Dear Rita Skeeter_:  
Before we start the HP-obsessors' letters, I'd like to ask you something....how did you get kicked out of writing those fab news reports? If you ask me, this is a job for some crackpot old witch who has too much time on her hands.  
_Signed,_

Wouldn't-You-Like-To-Know?  
  
_Dear Wouldn't-You-Like-To-Know:_  
Before I begin, I would like to say shut the hell up. A stupid little girl called Hermione ruined my writing career by letting _everyone_ know I was turning into a beetle and eavesdropping to get stories. I am now an irritable grouch. Hope that satisfies your curiosity.  
_Sincerely Yours,_

Rita  
  
_Dear Rita:_  
I need desperate help. I can't stop reading the Harry Potter books! I carry the whole set with me everywhere.. Can you get off my uncontrollable urge to read these books?  
_Signed,_  
_Girl Who Carries HP Into The Bathroom_  
  
_Dear Girl Who Carries HP Blah Blah:_  
Let me just say that…you have issues! Believe me, honey, there's nothing special about the friggen' books! I've MET Harry Potter, and believe me, he is nothing to obsess over. He is a messy-haired, green-eyed, good-for-nothing "celebrity" who thinks we should lick his ass merely because he won the goddamn Triwizard Tournament. Please, get over him. Better yet, move onto another crush. Have you opened Seventeen Magazine lately? I hear that Prince William and that Ashton Kutcher are all the rage now!  
_Sincerely Yours,_

Rita  
  
_Dear Rita_:  
My name is Ginny Weas- I mean, Ginny, um…Ginny, uh, HARRY! That's it! I am by NO MEANS Ginny Weasley! Yeah, my name is Ginny Harry and I have a problem. I can't stop thinking about Harry Potter. I love him! I cherish the ground he walks on! I lick the mud tracks from his shoes! I carry an empty glass jar around with me everywhere I go, so that I may capture and save the air he has breathed! I turned my closet into a Harry Potter shrine. My friend Colin lent me his camera, and I put pictures of my beloved on all the walls. I pick up and keep every little thing he even touches, right down to his underwear. I am cursed with Harry-Infatuation! What should I do??!  
_Signed,_

Ginny Harry  
  
_Dear Ginny_:

You got a hold of his underwear? How exactly did you manage that? Can you possibly get me some? Write to me again; this sounds like a surefire way to make thousands on e-Bay!  
_Sincerely Yours,_

Rita  
  
_Dear Rita_:  
You've been turning into a beetle and spying on people?!  
_Signed,_

Angry Fan  
  
_Dear Angry Fan:_  
Yes, I have!!  
_Sincerely Yours,_

Rita  
  
_Dear Rita:_  
I hate Harry Potter. He is the anguish of my soul, the murderer of my happiness. He has killed everything that used to make my life worth living. I used to be a happy, care-free Hogwarts teacher. Ever since that little brat came to the school, I have been completely preoccupied with making his life a living hell, right down to giving him detention for stuff like talking. Help me.  
_Signed,_

S.S.   
  
_Dear S.S.:_  
I hate him too, but nobody likes a teacher who gives detention for talking. I suggest you raise the bar a little; perhaps start issuing detentions for things like eating, or breathing, or living in general.  
_Sincerely Yours,_

Rita


	2. Column 2

  
A/N: Okay, you asked for it! I got 6 nice reviews and that was enough to get me to keep writing! But don't read this until you've read the first chapter.  
  
Disclaimer: I own....zip. Nadda. Zilch. Nothin'. Not a single thing associated with HP in this fic is mine. I weep over the fact that I don't. Oh well. I can still have fun doing parodies!   
  
A/N: This is a help column in WITCH WEEKLY called Dear Rita Skeeter. It is where HP-crazed people write in for Rita to help them out.   
  
NOTE FROM RITA SKEETER: This WITCH WEEKLY column is for you people to write for help with HP. Friends and haters of Harry, I urge you to come and talk to me. I feel for you; I hate that little [this has been edited by the WITCH WEEKLY editing office. We regret the harsh language. If you have a problem with this, write to Rita Skeeter and tell her that Harry is NOT a ----. Have a nice day.] And I hate Hermione Granger even more. So there.  
  
DEAR RITA SKEETER:  
I have a major problem. I go to Hogwarts with Harry. And I hate his guts! Except, there's a problem....lately, I've been rather, how should I put it, attracted to him. I dream about him and wake up all wet. [If you are a little kid, DON'T ask your mom what this means. This has been the WITCH WEEKLY kid's help office. Have a nice day.] What should I do? I've never been in love with other boys before...what's wrong with me?  
SIGNED,  
D.M. (A/N: We know it's you, Draco)  
  
DEAR D.M.:  
You're waking up all wet? *shudders* Well, here's a thought...YOU ARE GAY.   
SINCERELY YOURS,  
RITA  
  
DEAR RITA:  
I have a problem. Harry is stalking me! What can I do?? It's bad enough he asked me to the Yule Ball, but this is too much....the Miss Granger whom you hate so much has informed me about JUST how much Harry is in love with me. Do you have any advice?  
SIGNED,  
CHO  
  
DEAR CHO:  
I have an idea...and this will benefit both of us....kill Harry! I mean, what could the harm do? This way, Mr. Snape can quit hating him, he'll quit stalking you, and I won't have many worries about Hermione, since she'll be locked up in her room for days, crying over him. [WITCH WEEKLY is sorry this sort of idea has been included in the column. We at the preservation office hope readers will not take this the wrong way. However, Rita has politely requested to print EVERYTHING she says to her readers. Have a nice day.]  
SINCERELY YOURS,  
RITA  
  
DEAR RITA:  
Your advice didn't work. I found myself digging through the Hogwarts dumpsters to get back Harry's underwear. Got anything else that could work?  
SIGNED,  
GINNY HARRY [A/N: Cut the crap, Gin. We get the idea.]  
  
DEAR GINNY:  
Sorry, I can't usually help severe, mental-cases like you. Have a good one....and don't forget to frame and hang up that underwear! You know, the ones that say "Calvin Klein."   
SINCERELY YOURS,   
RITA  
  
DEAR RITA:  
Harry is NOT a [Please forgive the interruption. We apologize this word had to pop up again. Harry Potter fans, we assure you, Harry's mother is not a bitch. This has, again, been the editing office at WITCH WEEKLY, cutting out the trashy words] ! He is the bravest, coolest, most awesome guy in the world!  
C. CREEVEY  
  
COLIN:  
Do you even KNOW his mother?????  
SINCERELY YOURS, RITA  
  
DEAR RITA:  
I know this doesn't have much to do with Harry Potter, but this IS a Hogwarts issue....see, I am in love with Olympe Maxine, headmistress of Beauxbatons Academy of Magic. But, see, she doesn't like ME. Why not?  
SIGNED,  
RUBEUS   
  
DEAR RUBEUS:  
Maybe it's because you're a 10-foot tall, ugly, smelly, hairy old guy who lives in a grimy hut and makes disgusting stoat sandwiches. [WITCH WEEKLY, AGAIN, regrets having to print these words. Hagrid, rest assured, WE STILL LOVE YOU. This has been the WITCH WEEKLY we-still-love-you office. Have a nice day.]  
SINCERELY YOURS, RITA  
  
  
  
  
  
  
A/N: Haha I had just a TAD too much fun with this. But REVIEW! I mean, you ASKED for another chapter, so REVIEW!!! Oh, and flames aren't too good. Killer already had to chew up a few flamers, so he's been feeling a bit sick. Don't flame...Killer might die.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



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